I struggle with anxiety.
It has been terrible and all-consuming for the first time in years. I am scared to leave the house some days because I am worried about contracting any terrible disease that could possibly be out in the world. Getting out of bed every morning to attend classes or go and volunteer on weekends is a struggle. I feel completely worn out and overwhelmed by every day activities, even shopping, or making plans with friends.
In my family, mental illness is ignored or trivialized. My parents don’t seem to believe that anxiety and depression are real conditions that can severely impact someone’s life. They think that if I just don’t think about what’s bothering me, that it will just go away and I’ll be totally fine. They think I’m doing it for attention. They scold me for obsessively washing my hands and using hand sanitizer, or for “acting like a zombie”. Things I can’t help at the current time. It took a full-blown panic attack for them to finally let me set up an appointment with a therapist.
I feel alone and isolated. I feel like I’m pushing all my friends away with my constant worrying and crying and fears. I’m afraid that when (if) I snap out of this and make it through, I’ll have lost everyone close to me. I’m worried they all hate me.
Some days I feel like I just can’t hang on much longer. Like I just want to curl up in bed and waste away. No matter how much encouragement people give me, how much they tell me that everything will turn out okay, I don’t feel like I can believe them.
I just needed to get this out. I was told writing about what I feel could help me feel better.